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Pretty little skinny girl
you put the color in his world
But the kalediscope won't let him see
the chardes of your mosaic dreams

Like pieces of transparent plastic
your neon body couldn't breathe
and all your colorful pieces tumbled
right through his arms into infinity.

Gone til I reach 115

For anyone who didn't see my community post.  I'm taking an journal haiutus until I reach 115. Need to do things on my own for few days.

Good (maybe) morning everyone.

mirror
in your frame
twisting, bending, window of shame
silvery clear liar
calling my name

shatter my trust
with your every refraction
cold glass eyes
watch my play the cruelest games

and like an evil lover
I crave you cold calculating stare
even as I run
from that reflected shape. 
------------------------------------------------------
...This one was born from the fact that I have decided I do NOT trust mirrors. i have two in my room and they tell me different things and play games with my self-esteem on a regular basis. F it.   well coffee time to jumpstart the fasting day. If i get through today I get to have pb crackers tomorrow.   plus ill be thinner! so its worth it. 

take it and don't break it

I spend hours thinking about all different kinds of food. What I could eat, what I crave, what I hate...all of it. I just think about it ALL the time. 

but when its actually in front of me... I just wana sigh and settle on nothing.  

every day counts, one day closer and tomorrow will be another day closer, and another, and another. Maybe eventually my body will quit looking like piles of lard globbed on a mannequin.


Take a deep breath
close my eyes and count to 10... no, 20... no, 25
subtracting and adding all the numbers
from the plate to the scale til my mind
blurs like a switchboard
   so i swallow down the air
and hope to God this caffeine and nicotene
will get me there
because i just cant bare
to fail.

I want to be


I want to be like sunlight and oxygen
spinning in the atmosphere
intoxicatingly free

dancing with the grass
      lively. gently.

I want to be like the moonbeams floating
aimlessly
to be like the sky
like the clouds
nothing but water and air
white whisps and sighs 

But my heart is heavy
and it keeps me anchored in this skin
deep into this soiled earth
and this infernal. daily. din.
 

in my cage. but dont want out yet.

See here's the thing about eating. 

...I'd just really rather not.  

The healthy side of my brain tries to think of nice low-cal things I "could" have but the other side of my brain won't let me bring the spoon to my mouth.  

shadows of an iron twisted stairwell
on the wall
lingering steel door slams
five stories tall
and I sit in the middle
of the gray verticle stripe maze
finding all the dullness
like a giant ornate cage.

Cambia

It was time for a change.  ...I feel better now.   They say you should "be the change you wish to see" so its time I started embodying this girl that I have fabricated in my head as who I want people to see.


Each night I see it...
At the end of the dark hallway
It sits, ivory plastic and metal
framed in the glow of the bathroom nightlight
It is my bane, my enemy
-the czar of my life 
Its numbers make me shiver
Make me grin
make me cry 

I walk to work
down city sidewalks
and feel every step I take reverberate
I'm like a thundering elephant
graceless
pounding the pavement with my heavy falls
curves of wrong pouring out over my clothes
jiggiling as I scurry
Jiggiling, flopping

...trembling
As I stare into the mirror
mascara staining my cheeks
Shaking in agony as I watch what I've become
Gagging at the sight of my
tremendous pale gut 
My thick flubby arms
My unforgiving chbby sides
I grab a grotesque fistfull
and with each pound i die inside
choking on self-resentment
I Am

Obese.

Things

Things I love right now...

-Gladiator wedge sandals
-vintage sunglasses (to hide behind hehe)
-leggings (wish I had more)
-long heavy gold necklaces with key pendants
-chapstick
-Music: Five Times August, jem, Mystic valley Band
-coffee :) 
-loose change
-my paper journal...that I really need to be writing in more
-tomorrow

lyrical truths

What This World Has Taught Me

A hope to be stronger
That beauty can smolder

A stage and a Curtain
That Nothing's For Certain
All these Years Have been Hard
On My Bones

so tired of fighting this battle

Was gone again for a while cause stupid internet screwed up. Back now.

I don't want to eat anymore. I just don't I'm so done. I'm so tired of looking at these other girls...wanting it, and wanting it, and never getting there. Always falling short.  And its all I ever think about my brain is never free from thoughts of how fat I am, how much I'm consuming, how much exercise I should do etc.   I'm so exhausted. I just want to feel thin and succesful again.